Right now's moment to scratch

Disposable

My bio mom hits me up with a dramatic ” you need to help me”. I’m hard at work. My phone vibrates on and on and on. The basic 10 text in a row is demanding that I pick her up to go to the store. The sob story comes, ” I’m sick, I’m dying. “

It’s that moment I pick up the phone, dial that number. Life’s anger over takes.

Anger

It’s within me and I am not addressing it. I have hidden it.

The world that brings about my anger is the feeling of being

Disposable.

It’s the feeling I feel and it is the feeling that I have felt all my life.

The example of me harboring my anger of being disposable comes when my bio mom calls me demanding that I do things for her. She gets mad when I say no. She plays games, she tries to throw fake guilt trips on me. Telling me that I haven’t been there for her, when in fact I have. She conveniently forget that she is the one that hasn’t been there for me.

21 years of my life, no bio mom.

She is the parent that left me in the hospital for crack. She threw me away because her lust for self desires over weighed life with her daughter.

Disposable.

That’s what she thinks. But she isn’t the only one who thinks that way.

It’s time to let that word go.

On the phone, I asked her to remember who she was. Her faults, her wrongs. I screamed back the very angry words I have felt for a lifetime.

The truth is I am a damaged, scarred. 

I have been part of  lies  now uncovered.

The anger comes from the opposite of disposed.

The word people have used carelessly.

The word that seconds my feeling of being disposable is the antonym

LOVE

I have been told that I am loved. But the thing that gets to me is this:

Love is not disposable.

Love and disposable cannot go together.

Love recycles.

It is recyclable.

Love – It is reusable, it’s  reprocessed, reclaimed, recovered, salvaged and it is saved

It does not falter.

The misconception, the misuse of the word LOVE has me in my feels

My heart is full of anger. Has me hating. Has me irresistibly frustrated.

The feeling of being disposable is not just from my bio mom.

Its from my adoptive parents, countless acquaintances and family.

I cannot live feeling nonessential.

The cycle of painful words that cause me to feeling  less;  has to stop.

The generational curse has to end.

It’s time to find love for myself; love for others.

Self love. Self want. Self compassion. This leads to overflowing love for others.

A person cannot demand self love from others, when he doesn’t love himself or those around them.

Love has hurt me. Thus, I have been hurting myself because I don’t love myself or other around me.

This reminds me of what the good book; the bible says.

There is a chapter everyone knows. They can say the whole verse without listening to the meaning.

This chapter is titled: The way of Love.

It reads this:

LOVE: is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

The bold high lights the things I need to tune my heart too.

I know I am broken, there is no excuse for my inner rage.

The truth is ,  I’m not sure how to change. I have no answers today.  

This is a work in progress.

My writings help me to start.  Its my thought process visualized.

Write your thoughts. Write how you feel about what I wrote.